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10 Years Later: From Grief to Glory

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Here I am. 10 years later.

Feel free to play the song as you read.

It’s amazing how we all just move throughout this world and you look up and so much time has passed. If you would have told me I would be where I am right now 10 years ago, I would’ve thought you were stone crazy. Amazingly enough, one of the greatest things I love about God is He uses what He trusts us to go through to grow us up and show us how strong we really are. Boy, have I grown up and seen what I never thought I would ever become.

“Mr. Sauls has passed on.” While the doctors are asking me about all of the medication he was on, I scream and hyperventilate while thinking of my children, who I now have to tell that their father is no longer coming home as he always has after going into the hospital.

This day, 10 years ago, changed my life forever. I remember it like it was yesterday. I won’t go into full detail, but I found myself in a hospital waiting room, hearing words I thought I would never hear. “Mr. Sauls has passed on.” While the doctors are asking me about all of the medication he was on, I scream and hyperventilate while thinking of my children, who I now have to tell that their father is no longer coming home as he always has after going into the hospital. After the doctors leave out the room, the only words I could scream in that moment is, “God, I still trust you,” over and over again. I didn’t care who I was disturbing. I didn’t care who tried to calm me down. I had to scream it until I believed it and God has never stopped testing that scream. In fact, I’m being tested in this very moment, but my scream to believe, then, has now, 10 years later, turned into a worship to honor the God who saved my life.

I am currently enrolled in an incredible Bible class with my Pastor, Dr. Robert Bailey, Jr. and “Come Here Scripture Bible Institute” that is not only teaching me how and what to study, but how to effectively apply it to my life and help others on their journey in God. Our class was asked to go back to the time when we were saved and/or got delivered. Now, I’ve been in church all of my life and always believed God was real, but I don’t believe I experienced Him the way I have in these last 10 years. So much went on in my childhood that wasn’t as horrible as it could have been, when I think about it, but it made it hard to see God in those times, for myself. I saw what I was told was God happen for so many people. He became real to me when I felt like I had nothing left and no other choice but to lean and depend on Him. 10 years ago, I was no longer holding onto other people’s experience with God. He showed up for me and showed me who He really was and could be in my life.

I am grateful for a lot of things, but one of the things I am most grateful for is God could have made me anything in this world, but He created me to be a worshipper and a believer in Him and His Word. No matter how late it may seem it took for me to finally learn who He really is, I wouldn’t change the when or how because it all served a purpose.

“Provision doesn’t always look like a blessing.” -Bri Will

My sister, Bri Will, said something one day that resonates with me on a daily. “Provision doesn’t always look like a blessing.” Provision, for me, 10 years ago, came through grief; losing someone I thought I would never be able to live without. Through that grief, I was shown who and whose I really am. I was shown that God had His hand on me all the time and that is why I will worship Him with every breath I am given.

My brother, Benjamin Bailey, who I have learned so much from in these last 10 years about God, praise, worship, and so much more, was given the task, by God, to have Worship Encounters. Himself and other leaders come in to speak on different topics involving worshipping God in a way that is not talked about as often as it should. We are, also, learning how to effectively worship and lead a life of a worshipper of Christ because it’s not just in your song; it’s in your life. For a long time, before I got saved (LOL), I thought worship was just a slow song that made you cry. Through these encounters, that are open to the public, we have experiences that are not always heard of or put together for the reason of uplifting God and reaching those that were like me, who didn’t truly know what worship was. Worship is life and it has been a key to unlock so many eye-opening experiences with God. The worship we experience at these encounters are mind-blowing and pure.

Meet me at the upcoming Worship Encounter.

That next Saturday after my children’s father passed, I woke up that morning, with my swollen eyes, realizing, again, that he was really gone. My mom came in the room to check on me several times, but that one time she came in, we talked about something that immediately lifted a burden from me. She walked out of the room and, in that very moment of peace, I worshipped as I listened to “Moving Forward” by Israel Houghton. It’s like God came in that room and sat next to me as I released my love to Him. Yes, I was hurt. Yes, I was sad, but, one thing was and still is for sure, He came to see about me. Me…

So, where am I 10 years later? I am doing everything I thought I couldn’t. I am raising three AMAZING kids with the help of Christ and loved ones. I am learning more and more about myself daily and addicted to being and getting better with every stride. I am Alive. I am Redeemed. I am Free. I am Saved. I am His and I’ll worship Him forever. I am in awe of Him. He still wins me over.

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New Years’ Brunch: Journey to the High Place

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2025!!! What a ride and we are only in February!!! Sheesh!!! Nevertheless, here we are, riding the waves, being present, and celebrating EVERY win, big or small.

It’s crazy how I have been attempting to write this blog post since the second day of the year. Since 2025 began, I had the pleasure of attending Lady Tina Armstrong’s New Years’ brunch another year, I ended up getting very sick with a strand of what seemed like the flu the next day, and life just did what it does thereafter. Now, I am here sitting in a hospital room watching my oldest son experience, what we now can call, the greatest pain of his life, with just a little bit of time to write out this post describing my experience at an encounter that I consider the highlight of my year, and has been, for the past 7 years.

Let the Brunch Begin

We started off by getting comfortable. You get you some food, drinks, and meet and greet with the other ladies, who you just might be laid out on the floor with, covering, ministering to, or whatever God decides to lead you to do. One thing is always for sure, God always beats us there. The most amazing thing that I still become in awe over, is the fact that God already knows EXACTLY what we need before we place our names on the ballot to be apart of this encounter. So, He gives Lady Tina the activities and discussions that can only come from Himself to speak to each and every individual in the room. They speak to now, past, and future. Nothing lacking. Nothing missing.

My expectation going into just about any event is coming out with SOMETHING that will speak to me, my heart, or my situation. For the New Years’ Brunch, I make sure all are open to receive what God wants to say in the moment. I make sure I stay present and get everything I need. It’s one of the times I choose to be as selfish as I want to be, but, also, keeping myself ready and available to be used by God in any capacity.

The Notebook

After having a toast and prayer to the new year, we were all given a notebook with our names on it. First, we wrote affirmations for ourselves, what we thought about ourselves or what we were going to change for the upcoming year. After sharing a few of our affirmations, the notebook was given to the woman next to us to give encouraging words to, whether you knew her or not. Throughout the encounter, your notebook was passed around to several others in the room, which turned out to be strategically set up. I love activities like this because you don’t have to know a person, their story, what they have been through or even what they are going through presently to minister to them. What I have learned in those same activities is if you are steady and open enough, God will give you exactly what to say to each person. I can remember doing a similar activity at the Valentine’s Encounter last year. There were huge sheets of papers with each lady’s name on it and we were to write words of inspiration on each one. I recall starting off with what I thought every woman should hear or what I would want someone to tell me to encourage or inspire me. By the time I made it to about the second or third one, my words began to change and I became intentional as I ministered to my sister, whether I knew her or not. Of course, I went back to give the other two or three I started with their intentional inspirational words. With these notebooks, I didn’t have to overthink or wonder what to write. This was an intentional instance necessary for the building of my sister. I was still and let the pen do the work.

It Started with A Hug

Let me let you in on a little secret about Lady Tina Armstrong if you didn’t know. She is someone who don’t mind getting IN THERE, with you, whether you are at your highest or your lowest, no matter if you feel like you are far away, she’ll be there. This woman of God has and always will be a force to be reckoned with. She openly gives herself, and answers the call to what God gives her to dispense to others with no holding back, which in this case was in the form of a hug.

Don’t get me lying when you ask me what we were doing before this hug between Lady Tina, and another sister. What I do know is God came and swept the room from there. It almost felt like a ripple effect and each one of us were touched in some type of way. There was even a young lady who came in a little later and it was like she had no choice but to be overtaken by the fragrance that had already filled the room. The fragrance gave instructions to some, confirmation to others, opened a conversation between sisters, and ultimately ended with ladies pouring back into Lady Tina what she had just dispensed. Nothing was missing. Nothing lacking.

By the end of the sweep, we all just sat and laid around basking in the ambience of what just took place. Upon signing up to be apart of the encounter, Lady Tina asked us to read “Hinds’ Feet on High Places” by Hannah Hurnard and bring a journal to exchange with another sister. We started to discuss the book. At that time, I had not read the book, but I was able to take in everyone’s account who had read it or at least started it.

“For the lessons of trust and acceptance must be learned in the valley before they can be practiced on the heights.” Hinds’ Feet On High Places

The book was an amazing story that I believe all of us can relate to. As we all go through this thing called life, we are led by the Shepherd and given companions, assignments, that can leave you disappointed and “much-afraid”, sometimes of even trying to get to that “high place”. Then, to top it off, the route to the place of freedom and purpose is not only not what we expect but filled with many detours, dark moments, and times where we are forced to face ourselves and trust the Shepherd more and more while embracing the lessons that were taught through the assignments, tests, and trials. So, we push and push until we reach a point in our lives where we have accepted what the Shepherd has allowed, no longer bound by fear, walking in confidence and joy, and we receive a new name. With our new name, we return to help others on their journeys to reach the place of freedom and purpose who may not have embraced the lessons and detours necessary to get to the “High Place”.

I never would’ve imagined all of detours I had to take just to get here. This month alone, I had to experience things I thought I never would have had to experience. Now, I may not have reached the “High Place”, but I’m definitely striving towards it and using what I have learned and endured to reach others, even my son as he gets through this recovery. My experience may not be his experience, but I sure have had my share of pulling through times I felt were the hardest parts of my life, embracing the lessons, accepting what God allows, all while keeping my faith and praising God for the good.

All in all, the strength I pulled, the encouraging affirmations from my sisters, the instructions from God given to me, and with the love I felt in that one day was necessary for my next. Needless to say, I look forward to New Years’ brunches every year. I need that one day, for me, to push me, to drive me to the next or at least up the side of the mountain to the “High Place”. Be Blessed.