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About Me, Events, Motivation & Inspiration, Purpose, Vision

10 Years Later: From Grief to Glory

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Here I am. 10 years later.

Feel free to play the song as you read.

It’s amazing how we all just move throughout this world and you look up and so much time has passed. If you would have told me I would be where I am right now 10 years ago, I would’ve thought you were stone crazy. Amazingly enough, one of the greatest things I love about God is He uses what He trusts us to go through to grow us up and show us how strong we really are. Boy, have I grown up and seen what I never thought I would ever become.

“Mr. Sauls has passed on.” While the doctors are asking me about all of the medication he was on, I scream and hyperventilate while thinking of my children, who I now have to tell that their father is no longer coming home as he always has after going into the hospital.

This day, 10 years ago, changed my life forever. I remember it like it was yesterday. I won’t go into full detail, but I found myself in a hospital waiting room, hearing words I thought I would never hear. “Mr. Sauls has passed on.” While the doctors are asking me about all of the medication he was on, I scream and hyperventilate while thinking of my children, who I now have to tell that their father is no longer coming home as he always has after going into the hospital. After the doctors leave out the room, the only words I could scream in that moment is, “God, I still trust you,” over and over again. I didn’t care who I was disturbing. I didn’t care who tried to calm me down. I had to scream it until I believed it and God has never stopped testing that scream. In fact, I’m being tested in this very moment, but my scream to believe, then, has now, 10 years later, turned into a worship to honor the God who saved my life.

I am currently enrolled in an incredible Bible class with my Pastor, Dr. Robert Bailey, Jr. and “Come Here Scripture Bible Institute” that is not only teaching me how and what to study, but how to effectively apply it to my life and help others on their journey in God. Our class was asked to go back to the time when we were saved and/or got delivered. Now, I’ve been in church all of my life and always believed God was real, but I don’t believe I experienced Him the way I have in these last 10 years. So much went on in my childhood that wasn’t as horrible as it could have been, when I think about it, but it made it hard to see God in those times, for myself. I saw what I was told was God happen for so many people. He became real to me when I felt like I had nothing left and no other choice but to lean and depend on Him. 10 years ago, I was no longer holding onto other people’s experience with God. He showed up for me and showed me who He really was and could be in my life.

I am grateful for a lot of things, but one of the things I am most grateful for is God could have made me anything in this world, but He created me to be a worshipper and a believer in Him and His Word. No matter how late it may seem it took for me to finally learn who He really is, I wouldn’t change the when or how because it all served a purpose.

“Provision doesn’t always look like a blessing.” -Bri Will

My sister, Bri Will, said something one day that resonates with me on a daily. “Provision doesn’t always look like a blessing.” Provision, for me, 10 years ago, came through grief; losing someone I thought I would never be able to live without. Through that grief, I was shown who and whose I really am. I was shown that God had His hand on me all the time and that is why I will worship Him with every breath I am given.

My brother, Benjamin Bailey, who I have learned so much from in these last 10 years about God, praise, worship, and so much more, was given the task, by God, to have Worship Encounters. Himself and other leaders come in to speak on different topics involving worshipping God in a way that is not talked about as often as it should. We are, also, learning how to effectively worship and lead a life of a worshipper of Christ because it’s not just in your song; it’s in your life. For a long time, before I got saved (LOL), I thought worship was just a slow song that made you cry. Through these encounters, that are open to the public, we have experiences that are not always heard of or put together for the reason of uplifting God and reaching those that were like me, who didn’t truly know what worship was. Worship is life and it has been a key to unlock so many eye-opening experiences with God. The worship we experience at these encounters are mind-blowing and pure.

Meet me at the upcoming Worship Encounter.

That next Saturday after my children’s father passed, I woke up that morning, with my swollen eyes, realizing, again, that he was really gone. My mom came in the room to check on me several times, but that one time she came in, we talked about something that immediately lifted a burden from me. She walked out of the room and, in that very moment of peace, I worshipped as I listened to “Moving Forward” by Israel Houghton. It’s like God came in that room and sat next to me as I released my love to Him. Yes, I was hurt. Yes, I was sad, but, one thing was and still is for sure, He came to see about me. Me…

So, where am I 10 years later? I am doing everything I thought I couldn’t. I am raising three AMAZING kids with the help of Christ and loved ones. I am learning more and more about myself daily and addicted to being and getting better with every stride. I am Alive. I am Redeemed. I am Free. I am Saved. I am His and I’ll worship Him forever. I am in awe of Him. He still wins me over.

About Me

Decisions, Decisions….

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I can, honestly, say that I am not good at making my own decisions. Let me rephrase, I’m not good at making quick decisions. My mother gets after me all the time about making a decision quick, and sometimes, without having a second to think about the ending result. Now, hear me out. I like to weigh out all of my options. I like to think about how will it make me feel, how will it affect my children, how will it change my life, whether for the better or for the worse, and these are just a few questions I have when coming to a conclusion of what to do. I have to do this in order to help myself believe that I am making the right decision. Now, don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of times where I didn’t think twice about a presented opportunity and just went ahead with what was in my heart or my head, whichever felt right at the time. Many of those times where I have made these quick, un-thought out decisions, I have had to deal with the repercussions from it. So, since I have had so many unwelcome outcomes, I tend to take a long time to decide, especially  it involves my well-being or that of my children. Hey, I’m human and I know that I’m not going to get it right every time, but I can at least get as close to it as possible.

Now, you may ask why am I so indecisive. It mostly started when I was younger. As a child, everything I said or did was analyzed. I may have had the intentions of meaning one thing, but it was, most of the time, taken out of context. Then, sometimes, I would try to make a decision based on instructions that were given to me, without having to call and verify what was told to me, and at the end of the day, I end up regretting agreeing to do the task at hand. These actions made me stop, when asked a question, to pause and think about what I was going to say and what the outcome was going to be after I answered this question. Then, my pause would cause an even bigger mess than what I could have ever imagined, where I would sometimes leave hurt and, moreover, confused.

I guess you can say, this indecisiveness has started to show as a small hindrance to my growth at times as a person,  and mostly as a mother making all the decisions for my family. I am not ashamed to say that sometimes I am afraid of the choices that I make, more so because of the outcome. But what I have learned in my 27 years of life, is that you can never be afraid to try. Like I said before, I’m not going to get it right every time, but i can get as close to it as possible.